Homesick

Before I left for college in the summer of 2005 I visited my sister Reese* in Los Angeles for a week. It was an exciting time in my life. I wasn't at all sad about moving across the country. I didn't expect to miss my parents. There was always a power struggle between my mother and I so I looked forward to leaving that behind and becoming independent. I didn't find independence right away. I had some student loans but because I still needed financial support from my parents I didn't feel truly free yet.

The following summer I cut the cord for a while. I sublet my sister Rachel's* apartment from her - she was moving to Alaska. Taking care of myself like that forced me to grow up... at least on a temporary basis.

The next summer I moved in with Reese, her husband, Paul*, and her baby, Jason*, in their L.A. apartment. I was my nephew's nanny three days a week and I interned at a film production company located on Sunset Blvd. two days a week.

This past summer I stayed in the apartment I lived in during the school year with Will.

I've missed the boat on living with my parents over the summers and now I find myself regretting it. I know they've felt hurt that I chose not to. I wish I did, at least for one summer. I miss them so much and I didn't anticipate this, I'm looking forward to my mom visiting me next month. I don't take time with my parents for granted anymore.

I already was feeling this way before Nick passed, but now the feeling is amplified. I couldn't stand to lose my parents and have to worry that I didn't spend enough time with them or they didn't know how much I love them.